The Top 5 Things I Wonder About Women

Men are from Venus, Women are from MarsI’ve got questions. Mostly I just shrug off the whole Venus vs. Mars stuff because I don’t understand it or I don’t care, but some things that are peculiar to me hang around in my head and eventually I just have to know what they are all about. So, right now, I’m wondering about things that I’ve seen women do that don’t make sense to me. These things are mostly just stuff I am curious about, so I’m not intending to pass judgment.

Oh, hell, that’s a lie. I wouldn’t have written this damn post if these things didn’t frustrate me. Of course, to be fair, women can (and actually have at length as you will note if you have a Pinterest account) written a shitload about stuff that guys do that bothers them. That’s absolutely fair. Men suck. I’m an expert with first hand experience. But all that boohoo is for another time. (Why the hell did all of that sound sexual?)

High heels

Model stumbling in high heelsFrom what I gather, high heels accentuate the curves of a woman’s legs and perk up her ass. They also lengthen the look of her legs because longer legs are sexy, so says the scripture. Got it. What I don’t understand is why women think the pain is worth it. I’m all for sexy, but no one needs to suffer to get my attention. I’ve asked women friends if they like wearing heels and no one has said yes, although I think a couple said the heels didn’t hurt as much as others made out. However, I see women taking their heels off in classy settings like restaurants or highbrow soirees. If they don’t hurt, how would a person who is physically self-conscious enough to dress to the nines justify this? There’s psychology afoot (ha!) but I just don’t know what it is.

Cleaning the house for visitors

Empty room in a house
Add a big screen and couch and I’m done.

I just don’t get this one. Like many a home, our house usually ranges anywhere from blah to a mess when it’s just me and the family. But as soon as we find out visitors are coming, it’s all hands on deck. I understand that people need a place to walk and sit so obstructions have to be moved off the couch and around the front door. But why the hell do I need to scrub the toilet? Toilets are where people’s shit and piss go. Is it necessary that they look like a bowl ready for cereal? (I love cereal. I get grief for that too, but I’ll leave that one be).

Meanness to each other

I think this is what gave me the idea for this post. I observed this again recently and it vexes me. Meanness isn’t unique to women at all; it’s just the approach that confuses me.

Mean girls
Maybe they’re mean because their high heals are hurting their feet.

The place I work hired four women in close succession for the office. None of them knew each other beforehand. Almost immediately after we hired the last two, three of them banded together and shunned the fourth one. Over time, I heard the three saying disparaging things about the fourth using words like “airhead” and “slut.” She ended up having attendance problems so was let go. After that the clique rearranged itself and one of the other women is now on the outs. Apparently, her issue is that she is an emotional mess that can’t hold down a boyfriend or something like that. This isn’t the first time I’ve witnessed this sort of thing. Whether it’s in other workplaces or in my own family, women and girls can be very cruel to each other. I asked a friend about the phenomen and she gave the same answer my teenage daughter did: “they just are.” What the hell kind of answer is that? I think it might have something to do with emotional boo-boos and empty hoo-hoos. Ah, sometimes sexism just hits the spot.

I guess my incredulity can partially be blamed on chauvinism. I grew up in a society that taught us women are the more gentle sex. In actuality, they’re probably no worse than men. We do our own idiotic thing as well. When a guy accomplishes something awesome, other dudes say things like: “Did you build that?! I didn’t know you knew how to use tools. It’s a good thing you didn’t cut your fingers off.” The translation: “Holy shit, that’s impressive. I feel threatened by your mad skills.”


Ass crack and cleavage humorI used to work with a woman that dolled herself up something plenty fierce. She always wore shirts with diving necklines so people could see the tops of her tits (like the picture to the right). She often moaned that men were constantly staring at her chest. She made the classic chick statement: “Hey buddy, I’m up here!” more than a few times as she pointed to her head. During one such incident, I guess I was fed up with it because I pointed at her boobs and said: “Yeah, but you’re also down here and I’m more interested in this.” I’m kind of surprised I wasn’t sitting in HR that afternoon.

Burps and Farts

What’s wrong with burps and farts? Is it a jealousy thing? Dudes simply do some things better than the ladies. However, I think if a girl intentionally rips one in front of a guy and then busts out laughing, he’ll probably want to have sex with her right there … after the air clears, of course.

Here’s a funny clip of French Stewart taking the game up a notch.

OK, stupid sexist remarks aside, I really do wonder about these things.

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