Top 10 Animals that Should Not Be Anthropomorphized

First of all, the word “anthropomorphic” shouldn’t exist. I can never remember how to spell it. Second, who came up with the idea of anthropomorphizing animals anyway? It’s weird. Disney didn’t but he deserves an Ignoble Award anyway for giving us pants-less ducks and dogs with dogs (OK, Pluto isn’t Goofy’s dog, but you get the idea).

Of all the animals that shouldn’t be anthropomorphized, the ones that should be  anthropomorphized the least are as follows. Incidentally, if you’ve made it this far and don’t know what anthropomorphize means, let me explain. It’s the practice of giving non-human objects human attributes.

10. Mosquitoes

The only reason mosquitoes aren’t #1 is because I have to deal with them right now and get it out of the way. I hate mosquitoes. Who doesn’t? In fact, “I actually really like mosquitoes and enjoy having them around,” said nobody ever. Even scientists that study them hate them. And fish that eat their larvae are self-loathing creatures with very high suicide rates. Mosquitoes are God’s worst practical joke.

Mosquito filled with blood

9. Mice

Chuck E. Cheese more than offsets any “cuteness” Jerry or the mice in Cinderella may project.  Incidentally, I wasn’t aware that pizza could ever be made to taste badly until I went to Chuck E. Cheese.

Chuck E Cheese mouse characters

8. Jar-Jar Binks

OK, Jar-Jar is really an alien but he looks like an anthropomorphizoid. He should never have been created. Never ever. No never.

Annoying Star Wars character Jar Jar Binks

7. Horses

I’m sure to catch hell for this, but I don’t like talking horses.  Horses should not be anthropomorphized. I feel threatened.

Majestic black stallion

6. Chimps

Why bother? They’re our cousins anyway.

Cinder, a hairless chimpanzee

5. Anglerfish

As if the world wasn’t scary enough.


4. Billy Ray Cyrus 

I don’t know what kind of animal Billy Ray is but he isn’t human and we should stop pretending.

Billy Ray Cyrus and his hair

3. Pigs

Because at some point, they will start eating each other.

Animated pig cooking sausages

2. Any animal that is depicted as sexy

Adult furry comics aren’t for everyone. Actually, they should be for no one.

Genus adult furry comics

1. Great Danes

Because when they are, Scooby Doo happens.

Scooby Doo and the gang

What do you think?


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