OK, you know we love our country. We also appreciate the freedom of expression we get to enjoy (you know, speaking, writing, thinking out loud, showing our bunions in public, etc.). So, it only seems natural that a cadre of curmudgeons such as ourselves would take the occasional opportunity to flex those expressive muscles in ways that bemoan the things that an almost but not quite perfect society such as ours has worth bemoaning. (That was a hell of a sentence.)
Here are some nasties that we almost feel bad writing about. Almost.
There are only three countries on the planet that use the ass-backwards customary units system (you know, inches, pounds, quarts, and stuff). They are: Liberia (an African country that was created with misguided de-colonialization efforts by the United States back in the 1800s and that is considered one of the most corrupt places on Earth (89% of the public has to pay a bribe for services, according to the Global Corruption Barameter)), Myanmar (a bizarre country-ish thing next to Thailand that is run by a pseudo-democracy that is really a draconian military junta), and … holy hell on wheels! The United Freakin’ States of America!
We remember a push in the 1970s to have the U.S. join the rest of the world in adopting the International System of Units (otherwise known as the metric system). There was a lot of bitching by our fellow citizens about how confusing the whole thing was. Yeah, ‘cuz counting things in even quantities was more difficult than an array of numbers that had very little correlation with each other (there are 16 parts in an inch; there are 12 inches in a foot; there are three feet in a yard; there are 5280 feet in a mile (or 1760 yards or 63,360 inches)).
What many of you may not know is that the metric system failed because of former President Jimmy Carter. Somehow, the whole thing was tied to his failing presidency so, “If Jimmy Carter likes it, well, hell, I don’t!” We can also blame the French (well actually, the hubris of the whole America vs. France thing). France was the first to adopt the metric system and we all know how Americans hate to be behind anything when the French are involved. So, we’re stuck with an archaic measuring system.
Patriotism ain’t patriotism unless you use the word ain’t
Somewhere in the last 30 years, hillbillies took over America. We don’t rightly know how that done happened, but it sure as shit has done happened. At one point, being called a redneck was an insult. Now it’s a patch of pride burned into the skin of our pasty folk that likes trucks and guns and Walmart and such.
Let’s get some things straight. We don’t dislike that faction of the American public. In fact, redneckery is an important compliment to our demographic landscape. We can’t imagine an America made up of nothing but Snowbirds, Chinese research scientists, old-school unionists, ravers, and LGBTs (sure, why not; if we’re insulting people today, let’s give it up for anyone we can think of). Without rednecks we wouldn’t have a military, the construction trades that build America, and music that tells stories about people that have genuine love for country and family.
The problem we have with the Redneck Nation is that somehow logic became irrelevant in America. That’s disappointing. We like logic. It helps things make sense. And things that make sense tend to lead to things that make other things work correctly like a balanced economy, community compromise for the better good, and advancements in science that lead to improved standards of living. We don’t understand why logic is such an enemy to the part of our population that self-identifies as God-fearing American patriots. We kind of thought the country was founded on rational, educated, forward thinking-men that created an exceptional foundation for a country that has grown to be extraordinary. (This isn’t the time and place to start the whole merits or flaws of the Founding Fathers thing — we can do that at another time. Besides, in all, we are in awe of what happened in the late 1700s in spite of horrible human rights violations like slavery and anti-suffragism because it laid the foundation for so many good things to happen as time progressed).
We’re not going to pretend that our particular brand of patriotism is the end all be all, but we will say this. Our patriotism has just as much validity as any other. We love the hell out of our country and aren’t ashamed to admit it. The United States is a damn fine place to call home and we are honored to be citizens of it. The reasons to love America are staggering in number.
So, it does us no small amount of indignity when we are force-fed the brand of repressive patriotism that ended up married heterosexually to Redneck America. We would typically say live and let live (i.e., we don’t have to embrace what you believe in because, well, who cares?). But when another American drops the heavy hammer of his or her particular brand of patriotism on tannish-gay necks, for example, we cry foul. (Yes, we know the Liberal Left does the same thing in the opposite direction but we’re not talking about them right now). So, we choose to mock you, Redneck America. It only seems appropriate.
Obesity in America
This one will be short. There are food addicts in all countries. The difference is we have enough food to feed those addictions.. More than enough. And since we’re taking on the Honey Boo Boo Freakshow, we’ll throw in a jab about the irrelevance of education in America.
Where the hell did all this vitriol come from today? Here’s one last insult for the road. Keep in mind that all we did below was make a parody of an online image. We didn’t actually turn the flag into a jacket and wear it like Lee Greenwood did above.
And that, as they say, is that.