The Cardinals smoked out a new pope today to replace the ailing Pope Benedict (Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger). The newly crowned pontiff hails from Argentina, land of beef, tango, and former German officer whisked away by high-ranking Catholic officials (many of whom reported to Ratzinger) in the early days after World War II.
Mr. His Holiness Francis is the first in more than 2000 years (if you believe the chronology) in a lineage of papal prognosticators, to use the name “Francis” and is the first pope from the Americas. He is also the first pope that is a Jesuit. Geez, finally!
Like all popes before him (meaning all, including the celibates (there were about 10 of them), heterosexuals and even homosexuals), Francis opposes gay marriage. We find that ironic coming from a religious system that preaches the principles of “natural law” while adhering to a proclivity for sexual abstinence, which, is … well, what do you know, unnatural. But, hey, what do we know. We’re heathens. As for the indignant reader who thinks we have unfairly targetted Catholics in this post, settle down. It was just convenient to do so given the news of the day. Stick around long enough and you’ll see we have enough sarcasm to offend everyone.