U.S. students may be falling behind academically compared to their peers in other countries, but no one will ever touch our awesome funniness. Think about it. Besides Jackie Chan, did you ever meet someone hilarious from China? Indians are funny, but not on purpose. Packistanis are terrifying. The Japanese are just flat out weird. Koreans have got other issues to worry about. Filipinos can be funny on occasion, but a lot of their humor is cancelled out by their obsession with ladyboys. The Myanmarians (dammit, they want to be Burmese again) aren’t allowed to laugh. The Vietnamese love us long time but resent it. The Cambodians don’t have much to laugh about. The Thais smile all the time, but are too reserved to get into it.
WE LOVE POP QUIZZES. Here’s one to test your prediction prowess.
In the future:
1) Texas will become an independent Republic permanently.
2) The South shall rise again but will quickly complain of back pain and sit back down.
3) America will grow a pair and take over Canada to get at its oil.
4) The Constitution will be required reading and will be debated (as it should be) in high school until middle class, middle Americans deem it unnatural and ungodly.
5) Rednecks will slowly realize they have been duped by the “haves.”
6) Comics A-Go-Go! will become the #1 website in France, which will prove that the French aren’t entirely classless.
1) No; The United States will sell Texas to Mexico
2) Yes; Obesity is a bitch
3) No; the invasion will start, but as soon as winter sets in, that will be the end of that. Brr.
4) Yes; it’s like when mass was no longer held in Latin — have you seen how empty the pews are on Sunday?
5) No; delusion is a bitch.
6) Yes; but we won’t get recognition until we change our name to www.bandesdessineesagogo.com
How did you do?
6 correct answers: You listen to NPR!
4-5 correct answers: You listen to MSNBC!
2-3 correct answers: You listen to ESPN!
1 correct answer: You listen to FOX News!
0 correct answers: You are a Soccer Mom!
You didn’t take the test: You are an American male with a goatee!
You want to destroy Comics A-Go-Go!: You are Anonymous and you frighten us.
Besides the Asians, there are very few pockets of academic bright lights on other continents. On the other side of the world, the Brazilians are a festive bunch but their focus on education isn’t as strong as their focus on economic growth. Besides, they are too busy with beautiful beaches and babes’ buns to work on clever humor. So, back again to the Eastern Hemisphere — the Russians think they’re funny but everyone outside of Russia just gets depressed when they hear a Russian “joke.” Same goes for most of Eastern Europe (although the Poles are surprisingly funny in spite of the terrible “How many Polacks …” jokes). Even though Africans as a whole can be hilarious (so long as they aren’t slaughtering themselves or running 419 scams), there are no educational juggernauts on the subcontinent. Israelis are funny but only to themselves. No one in the Arab world has a sense of humor. The Finns, Dutch, English, Canadians, Australians, and bunches of other people of varying nationalities may have better educational systems but they aren’t a threat to the U.S. in the humor department (although, we will give it to the English (and maybe the Scots and Irish), that when they’re on, it’s actually pretty stellar).
So, yet again, Americans reign supreme. Suck it, the rest of you planetarians! So, when the Chinese and Indians run the world, they will still turn to the United States for our mind-numbing entertainment. We will hurry up and finish our shifts at Walmart and McDonald’s to run home and share the frivolity with them.
Boy, the sarcasm of this post has actually made us quite sad. Yes, Americans actually can be very funny, but, speaking for our fellow countrymen, we would trade a bunch of our best jokes for a community that relishes education like so many other appreciative hominids in other lands.
So, before we get too depressed, let’s take a couple of minutes with some American humor that is at least clever. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!
And, here’s one for the road. Sarah Palin may have been the hottest VP candidate in history. Who the hell cares that she’s empty-headed and dangerous? She gets a ton of credit with Comics A-Go-Go! for showing up at her graduation naked.