The al-Assads are wearing on our patience!

[This post was created back in September but never got published for some reason. We blame our Syrian intern, Sargon. The little weirdo used to go up and down the office hallway shouting “Death to to Bashar!” but after finding a bizarre series of files on crop circles in his cabinet, we wonder if he is actually pissed off at the alien by the same name. If we had to guess, we’d say that Sargon doesn’t much care for Bashar’s interpretation of the meaning behind crop circles. We can’t ask him because he has since returned to Syria. Soooo, distracted little bastard or double agent? Not sure. But here it is.]

Summer ends September 21, 2012. That means in less than two weeks, if the Smut King and Slut Queen (ok, we don’t know that for sure, but we’re going with it) aren’t gone, they’ve made us out to be liars. We predicted all of the way back in January that Bashar al-Assad and his consort Asma would be vacating their palaces in Syria. We figured they were headed for welcoming arms in Russia or Iran. Probably not Iran though. Asma doesn’t look good in black, and with a killer body and face like hers, who wants to cover them up?

al-Assad family
Breaking news! Asma and Bashar al-Assad are expecting their fourth child.

Well, technically we said “most likely sometime this summer.” Still, we were far too optimistic we suppose. What’s it going to take? 50,000 dead? 100,000 dead? As the body count rises, the al-Assads are less likely to get asylum. They’re turning into political poison.* Eventually, even North Korea might not allow the  Syrian mongrels across their borders.

* Since we’re just publishing today (December 30, 2012), the latest news out of Russia is that there is a growing pessimism that the Syrian crisis can be solved easily and to the benefit of either country. The Arab League sent their envoy, Lakhdar Brahimi, to Moscow to muster support for more outside intervention.  Brahimi waxed theatrical in stating: “If the only alternative is really hell or a political process, then all of us must work ceaselessly for a political process. It is difficult, it is very complicated but there is no other choice.” Well, he’s right, we suppose. Although, most Syrians probably think they’re already in hell.

But mummy, I want to go home.Ooooh! Wouldn't that be nice, luv. But no, we can't. Your idiot father doesn't know how to run a very good tyrannical dictatorship. Oh, mother was right! I should have been happy as Sarkozy's mistress and left well enough alone!
But mummy, I want to go home.
Ooooh! Wouldn’t that be nice, luv. But no, we can’t. Your idiot father doesn’t know how to run a successful oppressive dictatorship. Oh, mother was right! I should have been happy as Sarkozy’s mistress and stayed in Europe!

So, be gone, already! Get the whole oppressive regime thing over with so Syria can move on to regressive tribal conflict, terrorist breeding, and chaos. Cynics are we? Yes indeedy. Still, go away, al-Assads.

Asma al-Assad
Mama Asma gonna kick your assa!

Rolling back full circle, we were curious to see if Bashar the extraterrestrial had anything to say on the whole thing with Bashar al-Assad. Apparently, he didn’t say much, but we think we catch his drift.

Bashar al-Assad, Bashar the Extraterrestrial
Bashar. Suck it.

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