Toon’s Fave Tune: Dazzler and Céline Dion

DazzlerFor our next installment of  a Toon’s Fave Tune: Dazzler ♥ My Heart Will Go On (Céline Dion). Because her special ability is to convert sound waves to light, the purer the sounds, the more powerful her energy. Unfortunately, because Céline’s song is an onslaught of cacophony, Dazzler made the dubious mistake of using it in a recent X-Men rumble room exercise and had her ass handed to her by Husk*. Dazzler’s favorite song is particularly danceable but she puts on quite a light show when she’s out doing Karaoke.

So anyway, Dazzler (Alison Blair) showed up first in Uncanny X-Men #130 (1980). She was supposed to be a marketing cross-promotional character developed by Marvel and a record company. Problem? Yeah, disco died in the early 1980s so Dazzler was left without much luster. Oops.

Disco dancing
Go Dazzler! Go Dazzler! It’s your birthday. Uh-huh.

Dazzler Marvel CharacterHere we see Dazzler’s look get an update in the late 2000s. As a character though, she’ll never shake her roots. She’s still a roller-skating disco goofball. Having said that, as difficult as it is for a character with an unfortunate background to overcome its origins, Dazzler’s got nothing on this schmuck. Seriously? SERSIOUSLY?!!!! But yeah, it’s a toss-up between David Hasselhoff as Colonel Nick Fury (the tough as bull’s balls bad-ass of S.H.I.E.L.D), and the illegal-in-48-states version of Howard the Duck (can you believe it’s still legal to buy, sell, and rent VHS copies of it in Mississippi and South Carolina … for shame). Where do you weigh in?

David Hasselhoff
We do not have words …
Marvel Comics
Here you go: the most reviled mainstream comic book cover in history. Not because it’s particularly bad (Bob Larkin actually did a fair job), but because if you were a collector in the early 1980’s you owned 10 of these. For over three decades, NO ONE has ever bought another copy. In fact, if sellers were stupid enough to put one in a grab bag, they could assure themselves of a black eye.
Dazzler, Marvel Comics
It wasn’t that good the first time around, John.
Dazzler: Marvel Character
If the intent is to distract the opponent, Dazzler’s costume is probably going to do the trick. Forget the boobs, your eyes zeroed in on her crotch, right? Boom!

By the way, you’d think maybe Kate Winslet, née Ms. RMS Titanic 1999, would be the kind of gal that adores Dazzler’s favorite song. Nah. Not so much. Here’s what she had to say in the Daily Mail.

Celine Dion
OK, OK, I’m sick of it too.
Wardrobe Malfunction
Whoops. Am I coming or am I going? (Oh, please go Céline). This is how Céline Dion celebrated her infamous song: she wore this tragic hat and backward suit ensemble to to the Academy Awards in 1999.

It’s not that we don’t like Ms. Dion. Frankly, we don’t know her well enough to make any sort of judgment on her character. We only went to elementary school with her for one year. As far as we remember, there was nothing special about her during her time Ecoles Ste-Marie-des-Anges in Charlemagne, Québec. We do take exception to her doing this though …

Hey, whatever happened to Anastacia, BTW?

* Some mutant characters shouldn’t have been created like Husk, Cypher (Doug Ramsey), and Nimrod (or at least its name should be changed since more people know it as an insult than the name of a biblical character) to name a few. Lo, these three were created by Chris Claremont. Chris had his own ass handed to him too back in the 1980’s (see bottom of linked post).

And here’s your bonus. Ty Templeton takes his own poke at Dazzler (see the bottom of the post). We like that he mentions Dazzler and our second favorite Tintin comic album all in the same comment.

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